I should first point out that husband was adopted by his step-father and has never met his biological father. His father means more to him than the "sperm donor" (not really a donor, he walked out on husband's mom when found out about pregnancy) could ever. Husband basically gets treated better than his father's biological children, they share a great connection.
On to the meeting. We were the youngest there, by quite a bit (not sure if this a good thing or not). We were shocked to see a couple had brought their baby to the meeting; I doubt we were the only ones slightly perturbed by this. I am ashamed to admit that I glared at this family and it generally put me in a bad mood.
We were given a lot of information, the majority of which we already knew. Our chances of adopting are very small, we were urged to foster, etc. Most of what was said, we were completely prepared for. However, there were a few comments that completely threw us, and I can't help but wonder if it's only us that think these things aren't quite right.
"Every child has the right to be raised in his/her biological family."
In my opinion, actions of parents can void this right. I don't think you should get unlimited chances. I honestly can't get my head around this.
"If you foster a child, we strongly urge you not to try to then adopt them"
Apparently, you can raise the child it's whole life, but don't try to give it your last name. That would be "wiping the slate clean" and not giving the proper honor to the birth family. I had to urge husband to do some deep breathing after this one. He doesn't use his biological fathers name, he uses his real father's name!
Have a look at this (not extremely simple) diagram. Who do you think they are saying are most important to the child?
It's not the adoptive parents, is it. Do you agree? Are the birth family more important to a child, even if they never meet them? I may be overreacting and interpreting this incorrectly, but it just doesn't sit right with me.
"You can never understand an adopted child as well as a biological one"
Apparently, since you can't predict how they will look or possible personality traits, you can't have the same relationship with a child. I'm sorry, but even if a child is yours biologically, you can never predict how they are going to turn out! Yes you can't say "oh her eyes are just like her fathers" but I don't think that makes you less able to relate to or understand your child. I'm not entirely certain they *meant* to say this, as it's beyond my comprehension that anyone would actually believe that statement.
"No adoption should be a closed one"
I understand that a child shouldn't have to grow up wondering where they came from, but forcing you to have contact with the birth family kind of annoys me. It's not illegal to have a closed adoption, but it's very rare. I am much more accepting of open adoption than husband is. I really think it can be a wonderful thing, it just surprises me that they couldn't acknowledge that sometimes adoption really should be closed.
The general attitude was very anti-adoption. I guess we were expecting this, but it still annoys us. The government agency generally views it better for a single mother to scrape by on benefits over adopting out their baby.
Our hearts hurt for all the children who should be taken out of homes here, who could have such better lives but the parents are given far too many chances. Our hearts hurt for those young girls who get pregnant and get talked and guilted in to keeping the baby. What they give up for their futures and their child's. This isn't always the case, of course, but comparing the number of children adopted out with the number of abuse cases, it shows something is very very wrong. I really don't mean to bash the government organization, I know they do a lot with very little. It's just frustrating to be on the other side of this. Wanting desperately to give a child a safe home, yet being told a child should almost always stay with it's birth family: it cuts deeply. Maybe it has to do with cultural differences that I am still struggling to get my head around?
We are still going to pursue domestic adoption, attend the classes, put together our portfolio, and pray that one birth mother will pick us. There are approximately one hundred couples (some single people) in the waiting pool. There were twelve babies adopted last year. So, odds are better than one in ten! I am slightly skeptical about this number- I thought there were far more people in the pool. Still, we are aware that it's not a waiting list, once in the pool we could wait from a few hours to forever. This process is going to take a long time, so I think neither of us are incredibly emotionally involved just yet.
I would be interested to hear your opinions on some of the things I have raised. I do not know a lot about the emotional side of adoption, and am really just forming my overall views.
(Another post to come regarding international adoption options)
Vicky xx
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