200

It's been 200 days since finding out husband has no sperm. I have a love of numbers and milestones but I don't like this one.


I had hoped we would be further along than this. We know nothing more than we did 200 days ago. We have found out more about husband's general health, but are still searching for answers on basically everything (Why are his testosterone and cortisol low, but all other hormones fine? Nobody knows! Why is he so exhausted and weak yet can never sleep? Nobody knows! Why is he suddenly a grumpy bum who doesn't handle stress well? Nobody knows! Though, it's all related, that they know)

I still hope for SuperSperm

I can't even say that our world came crashing down on that day. We expected this diagnosis, both of us had an intuition. There was intense gut-wrenching sadness, but no shock. As bad as it sounds, we knew we'd get stuck with the diagnosis that has no cheap or easy fix. The one that takes away all hope of things ever happening outside of a petri dish. We knew this journey was going to be difficult for us from the start. Quite defeatist of us, I know, and for a normally quite positive couple I've no idea where it came from. 


I sometimes question why we waited so long before getting that SA done. Then I remember, husband wasn't ready. I nagged and pleaded but he only backed down when he was ready to face the bad news he saw coming. I love him for that. We would not have been equipped to deal with the diagnosis a few years ago. 


In another 200 days, we will most likely have done an ivf cycle. We both have a strong feeling it will be with donor sperm. I'm not sure how we become ok with that. I guess we will just bumble through it and all the related emotions (bumbling is the best word for it, we've no grace or poise in our infertility, just cluelessness). I definitely prefer life when I know what's going on, when everything can fit nice and neatly and has a place. It's really never happened for me like that, but I always dreamed this one thing would be simple. 


I could never have imagined, 200 days ago, that I would one day comfortably discuss husband's most private possessions with my mother, or be sat here reading the Journal of Andrology online with my cup of tea. Life is nothing if not interesting!



Vicky