When my sister was born, I was three. I insisted she was my baby and that I must be there to assist in all activities relating to my baby. Therapists have suggested this is because I didn't trust my mother to cope, which is probably quite accurate as she was a mess. But, the point is- I learnt how to mother before I learnt to read. I just had a knack with kids. I spent my teen years babysitting, teaching Sunday school, I became a nanny after college, then a preschool teacher. Then infertility struck. I quit working with children. I haven't really known what to do since. Children were my passion, but it became impossible to see them everyday.
I have never been a confident person, always shy, slightly socially awkward and often finding it difficult to see the positives in myself. This has a lot to do with my past, and the abuse I lived through. I can't describe what a knock to my wavering confidence it was to find out we couldn't conceive. I was *made* to be a mother, so what kind of a cruel joke is this, God?
Infertility is a crisis. So much of what made sense before no longer does in terms of identity and direction. I feel utterly lost and alone right now. This is compounded by a lack of plan moving forward in regards to IF, and having absolutely nobody I can talk to about this topic- I mean, in person (apart from my therapist, goodness I love her!). If it weren't for this blog, I would be completely isolated. This is not healthy!
I don't understand this journey. I can have hope one day, and be in the depths of despair the next. Today is a very low day, one where it's difficult to remember that hope. Please tell me this is normal. I feel like a constant mess. Moving forward, how do you cope? I don't want my life to be devoted to fertility treatments. I don't want that to be my entire future or to consume all my thoughts. I'm not talking about giving up, I just can't figure out how to put it on the back burner.
I don't think it helped that an acquaintance announced her pregnancy. She is 47 and has never wanted children. Watching her trying to decide what to do with "it" is far too much for me to handle. This feels like an absolute joke, again.
In exactly one month I turn 30. For many people dealing with infertility, I realize this probably isn't old. But there is something heartbreaking to me about reaching that age childless. It means I have spent the entire second half of my twenties wanting a baby. That just seems like a sad waste. I have asked not to have a celebration, I feel that my failure to become a mother is going to hurt more than ever on that day. I know this request will be ignored by husband though, which is fine really. I just can't promise anyone I will be happy!
In more practical terms, husband has had a few more tests and we are waiting on the results. Then he sees urologist, then back to fertility clinic to discuss treatments. No timeline for treatments still, I can't believe it's taken seven months of appointments to get us nowhere... See why it's difficult to find hope some days?
Right, I'm going to curl up in front of some trashy TV with a cup of tea. Bliss.
Vicky xx
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