A question of confidence

You know all the questions and comments we have to deal with as "infertiles"? I like to imagine a silly world where we turn that around and ask the equivalent questions of the non fertility challenged.

"Why did you have children?"

"What method did you use to have them?"

"Why didn't you wait longer?"

"You didn't adopt? There are so many children in need of homes, why didn't you look in to it?"

"I'm sure God has a plan for making you a parent, even though it doesn't appear that way on the surface."


Preposterous. You would never ask these things. Yet, for many of us, these questions come up on a daily basis.


For myself, it was quite painful keeping our infertility a secret. I am a very open person, and it felt so wrong to carry this alone. I imagined that our friends and family would be so sympathetic, would love and support us to the ends of the earth. I never imagined that opening up about our struggle to people would be even more painful. I have to hear about how you shouldn't fight nature, how we should be grateful for what we have. I get told of friends who are so happy without children, how children are not all they are cracked up to be, how work should be our focus.

I understand, especially where family is involved, that they are trying their hardest to help. They want to believe these comments will shift our thinking. They don't want us to hurt anymore.


I went through my stage of never talking about infertility, of deflecting the questions. I was ashamed of our situation. Slowly, ever so slowly, I am reaching a confident, almost ballsy, attitude. For shyest of shy me, this is a monumental step.

So, the "when are you having kids?" question? I am now completely honest. I take a slightly perverse joy in how uncomfortable this makes people. I guess I am at the point where, yes, it hurts that people can't understand our struggles. Yes, I have lost friends because they didn't know what to say to us anymore. But in the grand scheme of things, I am sick of the stigma, I am sick of being ashamed. You  ask me why T and I "still" don't have children (we aren't even 30 yet), I'm going to give you all the details. (I don't give gross details, I hold back a lot really!) If this makes you uncomfortable, maybe you should not have asked.


In this country, there is relatively little access to IF treatments, making the stigma so much worse. You just don't know anyone who is openly going through treatment, you don't have a chance to understand it.

So, by stepping out and being blunt about our situation, I know I will make people uncomfortable. I know that people can't always handle it. However, with more and more people having trouble conceiving, some of us need to start being honest.

This all sounds very confident, and I struggle all the time to keep it up. I just feel a sort of calling to be honest and stop hiding. What's the worst that could happen anyways? I've already heard it all!

Vicky xx