Up until T's SA we assumed our struggles were all my "fault". I mean, endometriosis and polycystic ovaries were pretty big clues. Never having a positive OPK, ridiculously long cycles- it all pointed to my body that was screwing us over.
This was fine with me. You see, me and my body have a long history of being angry at each other. The list of complaints I have with my body is a mile long, infertility just added to this list. In a sense, it was neither a surprise nor a big deal, we were prepared to deal with it.
When we found out T had no sperm, I fell apart. I had planned out our infertility in my head, the steps we were going to take, the chances of each thing working. Despite of how far it threw me, T just took it in his stride. For four months he has hardly talked about it, I occasionally broached the topic, but was brushed off. It's been a conflicted time for me. Not being able to talk to my dear husband about something so huge. Not wanting to appear selfish as this was so much about him. Giving him the time he needed to work through this at his own pace.
So, T suddenly started wanting to talk about the issue. His grieving is just beginning. It's strange watching the one I love most go through the same stages I just went through. He's angry that everyone else can get pregnant, he feels like a social outcast, he's tired of the "why don't you have kids" question...
It hit me that males go through all the same stages as females do with regards to infertility. Yet, they get even less support. Can you imagine that?
I kind of wish I could protect him from this. I don't want him to feel less of a man, I want *his* genes to carry on, I never want him to feel guilt. I know I can't protect him, but I can stand by him.
I am trying my hardest to view this as an opportunity to learn to support T better.
As a side note, we haven't been told absolutely that the Doctor won't try MESA/PESA with T, but he is "strongly urging" us to look at donor sperm. In doctor speak, that's not great is it?
Vicky xx
Hi Vicky,
ReplyDeleteOh Sweetie, welcome to this internet infertility community. I am so sorry that you have this azoos diagnosis and struggle. Male infertility IS a tricky diagnosis. I am so glad that you found your way to my blog so that I could find my way back to your blog. it has been quite a journey for my love and I , and I am so incredible grateful to have been able to read the stories of others who have been there ahead of us.
Male grieving IS different from female grieving. and Male dealing is SO different than female grieving.
ML and I went to couples counseling every week for a year after getting our azoos diagnosis. It helped a lot, mostly for me to have a place to talk and to hear him talk. I still see a counselor on my own and ml comes every so often. This is a really hard journey to be on.
You talk about wanting to protect you love, and I can relate to that so much. I've had the strongest reaction to this experience and my loyalty to ML has never been so strong.
I haven't read your whole story, but want to encourage you to get a second opinion about the azoos. If your dr is encouraging you to use ds, Have you already done a FNA map? for us, we had to know that there wasn't any chance at Ml's sperm before we could move on to ds. It was quite a journey before we could find that kind of acceptance.
Aww Vicky,
again, so glad you found me, and so glad I found you. Looking forward to reading and following your story.
xoxo -Foxy
Foxy,
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you for the support. I cried, it means a lot! I feel at a loss to know how to support my man through this, so it's amazing to meet other women who are going through it too!
I didn't even know about FNA mapping! T only has one functioning testicle, the "very minor risk" of damaging it during any procedure is making the doctor hesitate as there is no "back up". He won't make his final decision until we've seen a urologist and endocrinologist- both of which we have to wait ages for.
As for a second opinion- it's tricky. There is only one fertility clinic here, and our doctor is the most experienced one there. I am leaning more and more to coming home to Cali for IVF. Extended vacation! :)
Thank you again so much xx
I was browsing the ICLW list, and I'm early, but I wanted to comment.
ReplyDeleteWe are also MFI-Azoo. Defiantly see a Reproductive Urologist - we've seen two in SoCal. My hubs had all the genetic work come back fine, already as a teen had two varicole surgeries (there might be a minor one still there), and the TFNA - it came back "inconclusive". At that point, we did seek the 2nd opinion - he didn't put much faith in the TFNA, but did recommend we go forward with the microTESE as did the 1st.
Every doctor we've seen, for IF and other reasons, has recommended Donor Sperm. We're just not there yet and don't think we will ever be. We're about to start our microTESE/IVF cycle. If there is no sperm, we know we have a very high chance of the cycle being canceled - one dr said 50%, another said 70%.